by Glyn Harries – Senior Schools Worker

(A student nervously enters an exam hall and sits at their desk. They check their equipment)

Ok. Make sure I have everything. Calculator? Check. Compass? Check. Protractor? Check. Good. So far, so good. Here come the papers. Right. Here we go. What?! This is the history paper. We’re doing history?!! When did that...? Oh no. What do I do? I haven’t revised this. I thought this was next week. What do I do? What do I do? Quick think. History, history, history. World War 2. Agriculture. The introduction of road tax. Alright. Just relax. There’s no need to panic. Slightly under prepared but I’ve got it covered. I’m good at history. Just need to breathe. You can do this. You’ll be fine. Just focus and make sure you’re ready. As soon as they say “go” I’ll just... Everyone’s already writing. Why is everyone already... Have we already started? What does the clock say? Oh my goodness it started 10 minutes ago!! How did I miss that?! Ok, it doesn’t matter. It’s only 10 minutes. You can catch up. How much can anyone really do in...is Becky Sullivan asking for extra paper!? ALREADY!?!! How can she have filled up her book in just 10 min... 30 MINUTES!!! How has half an hour gone already? Alright. Just breathe. relax. You’ll be fine as soon as you get going. Just open the paper. Right. Ok. First question.

“Explain why the open field system of farming lasted so long”

The what system of farming? What is the open field system of farming?! I have literally never studied this. Alright. Just make it up. I’m sure it’s all common sense anyway. Right. Here goes.

“The open field system of farming lasted so long because...the length of the farm was such...that...the open fields...remained...lasting...for a long time”

Alright that will have to do. Next question. Man. Did it get really cold in here? I feel so cold. Except my lap. My lap feels really warm. That’s so weird that my lap should...oh no I’ve wet myself. Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh what do I do? I’ve just wet myself. I can’t believe I’ve just...WHO DOES THAT!?! Ok. Just slow down. Breathe. The last thing you want to do now is panic and draw attention to yourself. Just stay calm. Play it cool. Nothing to see here. Oh my goodness it’s trickling down my leg. This is so gross. I need to clean up. I’m not going to able to focus like this. Just put your hand up and get one of the teachers to escort you out. Ok. They’ve noticed my hand’s up. Mr Morgan’s coming over. Ok. He’ll be cool. He’s got to understand right? That’s his job. Alright. Here he is. Act embarrassed but cool. Pretend it’s a medical condition. Ok. This is good. He seems sympathetic. No. Hang on. He’s smirking. Why is he smirking? That’s so unprofess... Wait! Where’s he going? Come back. He’s going to the front of the hall. What is he doing? He’s stopping the exam. Ok. A bit extreme. Distract them and then let me nip out. I get it. Nice work Mr Morgan. Alright. Just stand up and slowly make your way... Hold on. No. He’s... he’s... HE’S TELLING EVERYONE!! WHY WOULD HE DO THAT!!!! Oh no. Everyone’s looking. They’re pointing. They’re laughing. Oh please somebody stop this. This is the worst day of my life. I need to get out of here. I need to run. But I can’t move. My legs are stuck. Why won’t my legs work. Oh my life. No. Please. Everyone’s getting out of their seats. They’re coming towards me. They’re surrounding me. Are they chanting? What are they... “FAIL”? Everyone’s chanting “FAIL! FAIL! FAIL!”. That’s horrible. Why would they do that? Oh my word it suddenly got hot in here. Why is it so hot? And what’s that bubbling sound? Oh my goodness I’m in boiling wat...IN A CAULDRON!!?! Why am I in a cauldron? And how comes everyone is suddenly wearing tribal clothes...and carrying spears...and chopping vegetables? Oh my life are they going to eat me? IS BECKY SULLIVAN ASKING FOR MORE PAPER!?!

Wait a minute.

There’s a chance this could just be a dream.

11.05.2009